Let’s face it . . . none of us are perfect, not us and certainly not our children. As they grow and develop, it’s normal for kids to engage in challenging or bratty behaviors. Being bossy or rude, answering back, and being selfish are totally normal things to see in childhood.5,6,7 Kids don’t come with an instruction manual, so for us grown-ups, it can be hard to navigate our children’s ever-changing behavior as they move through new stages of development. It can also be tough to be consistent with our discipline when we have many other things to contend with. Things can get off track easily if we aren’t “on the ball,” and innocent, typical childhood behavior can become problematic. So, how can you tell if your child is just being “normal” or if they’re becoming spoiled or a “brat”?
Signs You May Have a Brat on Your Hands
“Brat” isn’t a diagnosis or label, but this is commonly thought of as an ill-mannered, immature, or badly behaved child.1 If you can recognize the early signs below, it will allow you to address their behavior before it becomes too ingrained. Here are some clues that you might have a spoiled child or “brat” on your hands:2,3
- Tantrums: Don’t confuse these with meltdowns or physical/emotional overwhelm, which can be developmentally normal or associated with certain diagnoses or sensory sensitivity. We’re talking about intense tantrums over minor issues or tantrums strategically used to try to force things to go their way.
- Demanding: Bratty behavior can look like a child insisting on getting what they want, when they want it. Their actions generally don’t consider the needs of others around them.
- Being entitled: A bratty child may believe they’re entitled to or deserve special treatment. They can often expect people to cater to their needs and whims with very little reciprocity.
- Rules? What rules? A spoiled child regularly disregards the rules in various settings (home, school, etc.). It’s generally a sign that they don’t respect boundaries or other people.
- Manipulation: If your child is using their emotions, behaviors, or other tactics to make you feel guilty or change your rules, boundaries, etc., it might be a red flag that they’re engaging in manipulative behavior.
What To Do If You’re Raising a Brat
If you recognize any of the behaviors above, it’s essential to reflect on your parenting style and how it might be contributing to your child’s brattiness. But don’t panic; there are many effective strategies to help guide your child toward more prosocial and positive behavior. For instance:2,3
1. Be Consistent
If you think your kid is a brat, one thing you can do is make sure your child knows what to expect from you. If you respond consistently, they will know what behavior is (or isn’t) acceptable. Consistency also helps our children feel safe; when they feel secure, we’re less likely to see challenging behaviors.8
2. Have Clear Boundaries
Similarly, having rules for a child who acts like a brat is essential. Kids thrive when they have clarity, structure, and clear rules and boundaries. When you have firm, age-appropriate boundaries (and consequences), your child learns what’s acceptable and how you will enforce or manage things when there are deviations from clear rules.8
3. Limit Material Rewards
Overindulging can foster brattiness.9 As tempting as it might be to give your child a reward for good behavior, this can reinforce the value of material items. So, try to change things up by sharing praise or asking your child how they feel about something amazing they’ve done. For example, instead of saying, “You won the race . . . let’s get ice cream!” (reward), you might say, “Amazing job! You won the race, and I’m so proud!” (praise) or “You trained really hard. How do you feel about winning that race?” (self-praise). There are many other (nonmaterial) ways to share a sense of pride in our children!
4. Understand Being Empowering vs. Being a Pushover
Many people misunderstand terms like “gentle parenting” and feel that children should have a say in everything or that there shouldn’t be consequences for bad behavior. But we can still empower our children and foster autonomy and independence without giving in to their every demand. For instance, it’s okay if your child feels angry about not getting a toy at the store. You can support, validate, and acknowledge their emotions — it’s a great example of gentle and positive parenting! However, you would still hold the boundary firmly and not buy the toy for them. It’s okay for them to feel angry, but it wouldn’t be okay for them to hurt someone physically or verbally because they didn’t get a toy.
5. Model Positive Behaviors
We are our children’s first teachers. Show them what you expect of them by modeling kindness and compassion and handling big, uncomfortable feelings in a positive way. You will be teaching your child a lesson by simply modeling what you expect to see in them.
6. Teach Them About Empathy
If your child can put themselves in someone else’s shoes, they can better understand how their bratty behavior impacts others. Empathy starts by learning about and understanding emotions. So, teach your child lots of words for emotions, share your own feelings with them, and reflect on or name what feelings you can see in your child and in others. This is a great first step toward teaching empathy!
When Bratty Behavior Could Become Problematic
Brattiness on occasion is normal, but you might be curious about the point at which bratty behavior becomes problematic. Here are some key signs that spoiled behavior might be something more serious or could require further investigation:2,4
Emotional Outbursts
Yes, outbursts can be totally normal.10 But if your child’s brattiness or spoiled behavior is accompanied by strong emotional outbursts and difficulty controlling their emotions (or if their emotions last a really long time), you may want to investigate this further.
Isolation
If your child is lonely or isolated because their behavior is affecting their friendships or other key relationships, it might be time for you to step in and address things. Social isolation could also point to other concerns like:11,12,13
- Social anxiety
- Autism spectrum disorder (due to difficulty relating to others)
- ADHD (difficulty regulating themselves or impulse control challenges)
- Depression (isolating due to low mood, motivation, and/or self-esteem)
Being Disrespectful
If you notice this trait in your child, they might run the risk of brattiness becoming a more serious issue. Chronic disrespect can make it hard for your child to navigate school, relationships, or even workplaces.
Lack of Accountability and Responsibility
If your child struggles with taking on responsibility (for themselves or even for their family), it can hinder them as they grow older. As we grow up, we need to take on more and more responsibility to manage the challenges of adult life. Tasks become more complex and require more effort to succeed. Being resistant to taking on these challenges and responsibilities can inhibit your child’s success in later life.
Finding It Hard To Adapt to Change
If your child likes things to go their way, it might make it hard for them to accept change. This rigidity can make challenging life events even harder, such as moving to a new city or school. It can also lead to increased frustration, low mood, and anxiety.
While brattiness isn’t a diagnosis, it can sometimes be a sign that something else is happening. If you notice these signs, it may be beneficial to consult an appropriate professional who can identify what might be causing the bratty behavior and develop a plan or intervention to help your child manage or learn new skills. Dealing with a spoiled child can be a challenge, but when you’re consistent and patient and use the right strategies, you can help your child navigate the world in a more compassionate and empathic way. Ultimately, this can help them develop into a well-rounded, well-adjusted grown-up.