If you saw that mom at the store the other day carrying a shrieking toddler under her arm like a football and away from a candy display . . . it was probably me! We’ve hit the terrible twos with a vengeance in my household. My older child is now 7, so tantrums and big toddler feelings are a thing of the past, and I had totally forgotten how intense a time it is.
If you also have a toddler, then no doubt you’ll be experiencing the defiance, tantrums, and big emotions that come with this infamous stage of development.1 Some days (or even many times a day), you might feel your patience being tested and wonder how you’ll get through this challenging time. But surviving the terrible twos doesn’t have to be a nightmare. With the right strategies and frame of mind, you can handle meltdowns and outbursts like a pro. So, let’s explore some key tips to help you get through those tricky moments and support your child during this stage of development.
Understanding the “Terrible Twos”
From the time my oldest baby was an infant, I was warned about the “terrible twos.” I’m sure you’ve heard about them, too, and it’s important to understand why our little ones experience them at all. This stage of development is about independence and your child figuring out boundaries and learning about their emotions.3,6 Our tiny humans want to be in control of their world — they just don’t have the right skills or tools to communicate and get what they need.1 They also don’t have very well-developed emotional intelligence or emotional regulation strategies. This means lots of tantrums, meltdowns, power struggles, and more.1
6 Tips for Surviving the “Terrible Twos”
Now, let’s get into the “good stuff” — those practical strategies to help you, as a parent, cope with this challenging stage:
1. Keep Calm
I know this sounds easier said than done. But honestly, it’s essential. If your child is melting down, then losing your cool or yelling at them will only add fuel to the flame. They need your help to regulate right now, so you must be in a state of calm. Show them how you handle stressful or frustrating situations — take a calming breath, quiet your voice, do a mindfulness activity, or stretch your body. Do whatever it takes before you respond to your toddler.2
Also, remember that the behavior you see is due to their dysregulated nervous system. It’s not because they’re a terrible child or you’re a terrible parent.1 When you can better understand their behavior and have realistic expectations, it’s easier to remain cool, calm, and collected.
2. Be Consistent With Your Boundaries
This stage of development is all about boundary-pushing. Your tiny human is trying to figure out the impact or outcome of their behavior. They want to see just how far they can push things . . . and you. So, one of the keys to surviving the terrible twos is having clear boundaries that you consistently enforce. Take it for granted that your toddler will try to push every limit you set. It’s normal — they want to understand what’s acceptable (and what isn’t). Being inconsistent makes it harder for them to learn. They can actually feel unsafe if they don’t know what’s expected of them or how you’ll respond. This may result in escalated or more challenging behaviors as they try to figure out where the limit is.3
For example, if you tell them they can’t have a candy bar at the store and this leads to a meltdown, don’t give in. Otherwise, you’re teaching your child that if they shout, scream, kick, etc., you’ll cave and give them what they want. They won’t learn that “no” really does mean “no.”3
3. Minimize Saying “No”
Toddlers hear the word “no” all day, every day. And the word starts to lose meaning or significance. Change your focus from saying “no” or responding in a negative way and try to reframe things. Instead of saying, “No, don’t jump on the chair,” you could say, “Chairs are for sitting.” This changes the focus and gets their brain thinking about the “right” choice.4
Also, consider setting up a small space in your house or garden that’s fully toddler-proofed so they can explore without you pausing play or intervening with a “no.” This way, they can explore without you needing to set limits or boundaries. They can experience independence, and you don’t need to battle over every last thing.4
4. Don’t Fix Everything for Them; Name Their Feelings Instead
I know it’s hard when they’re distressed. But when we swoop in and fix everything, we accidentally tell our children that we don’t think they’re capable. We also don’t allow them to learn how to manage for the next time something challenges or frustrates them. If we step back and let them try to fix things for themselves, it also helps us as parents because we don’t feel pressure to respond to everything. We can save our energy and resources for when they do need us to step in and assist.5
A simple way of managing this is by naming their feelings instead. For instance, by saying, “I can see you’re so mad that I cut your sandwich into squares instead of triangles,” you’re acknowledging how they feel, though you aren’t necessarily engaging or fixing the issue. They may just have to sit with the discomfort of certain feelings. Another example could be: “I see you’re really frustrated because every time you try to stack your blocks, they fall over. I wonder if you could try again or stack the blocks differently?” This way, you acknowledge their emotions without actually fixing the problem (i.e., without directly fixing the stack of blocks for them).5
5. Give Them Choices
Many power struggles arise because our toddlers feel like they don’t have much control over their world. So, give them some safe choices to make. For example, you could fill a drawer with appropriate clothes you’d be happy for your child to wear on a particular day. (We know our little ones don’t always understand that they should wear certain outfits for particular activities, like cozy clothes on a cold day or stretchy clothes to move freely at the park.) Then, let them choose their own outfit.1
Or perhaps you need them to get ready to leave the house, so instead of a battle of wills or your child having a meltdown, you could ask them to choose: “Do you want to put on your shoes first? Or do you want to brush your teeth first?” Having a choice gives your toddler a sense of autonomy, which can circumvent many tantrums. Ultimately, you’re still in charge and setting boundaries, but your child has some sense of independence. The boundary is that you’re leaving the house, and your child must put on their shoes and brush their teeth. But by giving them options, you’re reducing the likelihood of going back and forth and them arguing with you to get what they want.1
6. Catch Them Being Good
During the toddler years, emotions are heightened, and we’re trying to be firm and hold boundaries. This sometimes results in negative conversations with our children. But we need to create a balance and ensure we have positive interactions as well.7 If we’re only talking about what they aren’t doing well or the challenges, it can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, as our children can start to believe that they’re bad or naughty. In turn, their self-esteem and confidence can suffer. This can result in more challenging behavior, so we must counterbalance this with positives.7
So, try to catch your child being good and praise them or acknowledge what they’re doing well. Or try to set up a scenario where you can praise them, like an activity they’re good at or enjoy. For instance, maybe your child loves helping with the dishes or is skilled at building with blocks. Invite them to engage in these activities, then you can praise their efforts for these tasks.
The Bottom Line
Sometimes, the best strategy for surviving the terrible twos is having the right mindset. Do you need to fight every battle? Nope . . . that’s just exhausting for you and your toddler. Use your energy for bigger things, and don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s also important to reflect on the positives or small wins. You’ll likely feel overwhelmed or distressed if you can only think about the challenges you face each day with your toddler.
Surviving the terrible twos doesn’t just mean being able to handle their meltdowns. If you can stay calm, give them choices, and cultivate an environment where they can practice their independence, you’ll get through this stage and support your child’s emotional and social development. The right mindset will help you remember that this phase is only temporary. Hang in there — you and your toddler have got this!