In many families, it can be common to see gentle teasing between siblings or even parents and children. Teasing might seem pretty harmless (and, for the most part, it is). But there are some things to never tease your child about. Teasing them about certain topics can have a significant impact on your child’s confidence, self-esteem, mood, and overall well-being.1,2 In this article, we’ll explore what to avoid teasing your child about and how teasing can be damaging. We’ll also cover how to create positive, respectful relationships and a healthy environment to nurture and support your child’s development.
How Teasing Impacts Children
Gentle teasing can be a lighthearted way of interacting with your child.3 For example, if your child is moving slowly to put their shoes and socks on, you might giggle and say, “My goodness! I think snails move at a faster pace!” Or if your child wins a game you’re playing together, you might even tease yourself: “I better up my game so I can win next time. I can tell you’ve been practicing!” Teasing like this is usually a little bit of fun. However, it can significantly and negatively impact a child’s development and emotional well-being when it goes too far. Here are some ways that teasing affects children’s mood, confidence, and well-being:1,2
Self-Esteem
Over time, if we consistently tease our children about certain topics, they can become sensitive to it. This can eventually erode their self-esteem. Yes, we might just be joking or being playful. But if our child is insecure about something and we constantly point it out, it can make them doubt themselves or experience low self-worth.10
Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being
Teasing may also impact our children’s mental and emotional well-being. If our children are teased often or strongly, it can make them sad, anxious, or angry. When teasing is persistent or harmful, some children experience depression as a result.10 If teasing is relentless, children may also feel unsafe to express themselves. They might think their needs aren’t important or valued — because the teasing continues despite wanting it to stop. This might cause them to withdraw. Or there might be a strain in the relationship between the parent and child (if the parent is the one doing the teasing), as the child doesn’t feel comfortable communicating or expressing themselves openly.
Defensiveness, Withdrawal, and Anger
Teasing can also result in behavioral issues. In response to teasing, some children may feel angry or think they must somehow defend themselves.10 Some might respond explosively or lash out. Children may also react in the opposite way and withdraw socially, becoming introverted or finding it hard to connect with others. Lastly, some children might start to tease or bully others, leading to a cycle of negativity.10
4 Things You Should Never Tease Your Child About
As mentioned, certain types of teasing can be lighthearted and joking.3 However, there’s a distinction between these and the type of teasing that can have a negative impact. Even if you have good intentions and are being playful, there are several critical things to never tease your child about:
1. Their Body and Self-Image
We aren’t born with a fully formed sense of identity. It’s shaped as we grow and interact with people around us (how they treat us, what they say to and about us, etc.). Because our children are still developing their sense of identity (including their body image), it can be a sensitive time for them. It’s vital that they receive the right messages to develop a healthy sense of self.4
So, avoid teasing your child about their appearance, including their body shape or size, their weight, or any particular characteristics of their body/face. Even “funny” jokes about their appearance aren’t really funny for our children. They might become insecure or hyperfocused on their body or link their appearance to their self-worth.4 Try to focus on their body’s function rather than what it looks like. For example, you could say, “Your legs are so strong and help you run and jump!”
2. Their Abilities
We all have different skills and talents and a natural capacity for different things. So, you don’t want to tease your child about their abilities or intelligence.5 When we tease our children about being “slow” or say things like, “Why can’t you get that right? I’ve shown you over and over,” it can give them a sense of fear regarding failure.5 It also makes our children feel inadequate over something they likely cannot help. Instead, we want to give them praise and encouragement. Or you can help them problem-solve, take things slower, or just accept where they’re at. It’s important to focus on their efforts rather than the outcome.
3. Their Worries
Another important thing to never tease your child about is their worries. It’s natural for children to have all sorts of developmentally appropriate fears — loud noises, the dark, being left alone, etc.6 But when we tease them about these fears, it invalidates their feelings. They can feel frightened and ashamed or even experience emotional disconnection from you.6
Instead of saying, “The thunder can’t hurt you,” you might try to validate their emotion and share that you understand their fear. You don’t need to validate the fear itself by agreeing that it’s scary. Just acknowledge the very real emotion behind it. For example: “I can see you feel really worried about the thunder. I’m here if you need a cuddle or some help.” Offer support and compassion, rather than teasing, to help them work through their worries.
4. Their Personality
We each have unique personality traits, which are generally innate or built-in. This means our personality traits are unlikely to change; they’re part of what makes us special and individual.6 Teasing your child about their personality trait(s) can make them feel insecure because they likely cannot help or change how they interact with people and the world around them. Children take in and internalize what we say, often using these words to help shape their sense of self.4 And we want them to have a positive sense of self, not a negative one.
For example, instead of teasing your child for being shy, you could let them know that it’s okay if they take a bit of time to warm up. You might also acknowledge that meeting new people can feel uncomfortable. Honor your child’s unique traits and celebrate their individuality. This will help them grow into a confident person.
How To Respectfully Engage With Children
So, how can parents, educators, and other caregivers ensure they’re creating relationships and environments in which children feel respected and valued? Here are a few key strategies to foster positive and healthy communication with children:8,9
Show Them What Respectful Communication Looks Like
Our kids are little sponges; they’re watching us and listening to us all the time. They mirror what they see, so ensure you model kind and respectful communication toward your child and others around you.11 Not only should you avoid playfully teasing your child about the key points we’ve explored, but you also shouldn’t tease other people — especially when your child will likely hear or pick up on this. By doing this, you’re showing them what empathy, compassion, and respectful communication look like. This will help them understand how to treat others and know that they (your child) are also worthy of respect.
Have Open Conversations
If you foster an environment that accepts open conversations, your child will be more likely to have transparent conversations with you. They’ll also be able to talk to you if things have gone too far or they don’t feel good about something you’ve said. When our kids can be their true, authentic selves — and they feel like we see and hear them — their self-esteem improves as well.
So, let your child know that all emotions are okay, and support them with compassion if they’re experiencing challenges. Instead of shutting them down with statements like “Don’t worry; you’ll be fine” or “It’s not that bad,” acknowledge their emotions as genuine. For example: “It seems like you’re mad. It’s normal to feel like that!” or “I wonder if you’re feeling sad right now?” When you notice and acknowledge their emotions, they’ll feel a sense of connection and will be more likely to feel comfortable and be open and honest with you.
Remember To Say Sorry
While you probably didn’t mean to hurt your child’s feelings, if you recognize that you’ve taken a joke or teasing too far, it’s important to apologize to them. Pay attention to your child’s responses (verbal and nonverbal), and if you feel like they might be upset with a joke you’ve made, check in with them and find out why they’re upset. Nonverbal cues might be turning away, lowering their heads, the emotion on their face changing to sadness or anger, or turning into themselves (shrugging, crunching, or hunching in). Verbally, they might express displeasure or upset with what’s been said.
Noticing these cues will ensure you know where the line is. When you understand why your child felt hurt, it allows you to craft a meaningful apology. A genuine apology acknowledges the error (even if it wasn’t intentional), doesn’t make excuses, and recognizes the feeling or result of the error. For example: “I’m really sorry that I hurt your feelings when I teased you about the clothes you picked today.”
Offer Feedback (Instead of Teasing)
Of course, we want the best for our kids, and many times, our teasing is a way of correcting or bringing their attention to something we’d like them to change. But instead, we need to offer feedback in the most healthy and constructive way possible. Otherwise, we risk negatively impacting their self-esteem, sense of self, and confidence.
We must also balance constructive criticism with positive feedback to help them develop a positive sense of self. When your child has done something well, provide specific feedback, particularly about their efforts rather than the outcome. Here’s an example: “I can see that you tried really hard during that running race. You were tired, but you kept trying.” This can help your child develop a growth mindset (where they see challenge or “failure” as an opportunity for learning or growth rather than giving up). It’ll help them focus on working hard even when they face challenges rather than experiencing self-esteem only when they “win” or achieve a certain result.
The Bottom Line
Although teasing may seem harmless, it’s important to understand that there are several things to never tease your child about. These include sensitive topics like body image, abilities, fears, and personality traits. Teasing can have a lasting impact on a child’s sense of worth, self-esteem, mental health, and well-being. But if you can create a home environment that offers respect, support, and compassion, you’ll help your child grow into a resilient, confident person.